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What is BDSM? · Beware,Safe and Honest · The Hunt · Educational Links
BDSM Stands for many things and is often confused or misunderstood. Let me first start with a few observations of our own, then move on to the real concepts behind BDSM. |
Most everyone has within him or herself at least one 'fetish'. That is one thing that is not usually considered part of normal sex. It may be something like a foot fetish, or a liking for stockings, possibly a desire to dress up for sex or be spoken to in a certain way. Most people find their particular turn on. Some are very lucky and are able to live it out their desires. People in general should not make judgements about others because of fetishes. BDSM is the same as any other fetish, but unlike a foot fetishist who can be clearly labelled, a person into bondage or pain can not clearly be labeled. |
The reason that the BDSM label is so vague is this most people who are into part of it are usually into several parts. Slavery is sometimes linked to either bondage, pain or both. It is common to find slaves that like one aspect but not another. It is possible to be a sexual submissive and not prefer pain - this does not make the individual any less 'into' BDSM. |
You will often find people comparing their 'likes and tollerences' - this can sometimes be counter-productive. We each have different levels of abilities and beating everyone else is not the aim of the game! |
There is a difference between a submissive and a slave. A submissive generally desires to be dominated sexually and to be free to make their own decisions about most other things. A slave desires total ownership and requires all things to be decided for them - sexually and otherwise. |
There is a difference between a submissive and a slave. A submissive generally desires to be dominated sexually and to be free to make their own decisions about most other things. A slave desires total ownership and requires all things to be decided for them - sexually and otherwise. |
So, here are a few items that are all tied up with the BDSM scene... |
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Some or all of the above things will be combined in one relationship. |
One important thing to note is that some people when they realize that they have feelings related to any of the above, will feel it is wrong/dirty/perverted. It is a natural feeling. Remember one thing though that everyone is different, just because you like something doesn't mean everyone else will... |
What do I have to do to start out? |
Be yourself! If you have dominant tendencies then try expressing them. This does not mean to beat up your friend or partner - that is aggressive but not dominant! You can be a Dom without laying a finger on anyone, most submissives find 'mind games' as stimulating as physical contact. If you are Domming someone over the IRC system, AOL, or phone, try getting the sub to perform 'tasks', and report back to you on how they did, how they felt etc. You must first build up a trusting relationship for this to work. |
BEWARE - there are many people out there who play at being submissive, but are just playing at it - try to work out a system that will detect this early - you don't want to waste your time and energy with these people. |
BE SAFE - do not give away too much early on - you do not know who you are really dealing with. They could be total fakes, or total psychos! DO NOT GIVE AWAY PERSONAL INFORMATION until you are sure that it is safe to do so. Your phone number or address in the hands of a nut is a dangerous weapon! |
BE HONEST - lieing achieves nothing in the long run - just anger. If you have a partner, say so. I make a rule that I will not discuss my private life with anyone, and I will not ask them about theirs. AOL and IRC are strange places - neither total reality, not total fiction - it lies somewhere between. People can get hurt, really fall in love, really believe. Do not abuse this strange cyber world - it can be a great place to learn and experiment - but it is never quite as good as the real thing! |
The question often asked is where does one find partners who can fulfil a person's needs - a dominant male for a submissive male, or a submissive male for a dominant male. There is no easy answer to this. Try using the irc system, AOL, or the newsgroups. A word of advice - don't just barge on and ask for a Domme - you will be flamed often if this is how you operate - try watching for a while, or explaining that you are new. |
Also, take care when advertising in the Newsgroups - a badly worded, or too open advert will produce a lot of E-mail - most of it from people totally unsuitable for your needs. Word your ad carefully, and be selective about the place you put it. |
First Steps... |
OK, so you want to get into BDSM - you are a person who thinks that you have the capacity to dominate, or the desire to serve. How do you progress? |
You need to ensure that you both know the limits of the sub - what he will accept, and what he will not. Some people cannot be marked at all, some only in certain places, so if you are told not to mark his body, don't use implements on him that will mark the body. Ensure that you have a safe word, and know how to use it. Don't use it if it is not really necessary, and don't ignore it when it is used! But take this to heart - if you set out limits as a sub, don't push the Dom into a corner where he either has to break the rules you set, or be beaten by you - that is not what BDSM is about. |
First, a few things that BDSM ISNT! From a Doms point of view, it is not an excuse to beat up a person, or mindlessly humiliate someone - he is a submissive, not a doormat. Some slaves require this treatment, but they are few and far between. You are there to satisfy your needs and desires, but certainly to satisfy theirs too - he is putting his trust in you, so don't abuse it. |
From a subs point of view, you are not a doormat, but you are not a sparing partner either. If you want a battle, take up chess! There is nothing wrong with being 'fiesty' or 'cocky', but goading a Master or Top into beating you up is not the usual way to proceed. |
BDSM is a shared experience - one person being in control of another - from suggesting things to do through to demanding and punishing. It is supposed to be a pleasurable experience to BOTH sides, not just the Dom. Some submissives get pleasure from pleasing their Dom, others from the feelings of being used. Remember that you are to please him as well as yourself. |
As a Dom, what will I be expected to do? |
Hmmmm, an interesting question - I am glad you asked. There is no definitive answer to that - it will depend on your sub. Some submissives require training in the ways of submission, others are far more experienced at subbing bottoming than you will be at dominating. |
Depending on the level of the relationship, you will be expected to look after your sub both emotionally and physically. You will be expected to look after his BDSM interests. For a good relationship or a one-nie scene, real life is preferred. As for what a sub will expect to be done to him, well, that can be anything - bondage, blindfolding, spanking, caning, flogging, humiliation.... and plenty more. |
There are many aspects to BDSM play, some you may find revolting, others really exciting: watersports (that is peeing, not water-skiing), piercing (take care with hygine here), anal sex, scat and forced acts (be wary of safe words and your subs wishes here) can all be part of a good relationship in play - BE AWARE OF THE LAW - MANY THINGS THAT YOU MAY WISH TO DO IN A BDSM SCENE ARE ILLEGAL IN MANY COUNTRIES. |
As a Dom, you do not instantly get respect, it should be earnt, so earn it. If you demand it, you stand little chance of success. Set tasks that are realistic, and set punishments that are achievable. Once your sub has lost faith or respect, you may as well give up. |
OK, so what kind of tasks can you use? Anything that you know will be a little difficult for the sub will be good - if they are shy about their bodies, get them to take a picture of themselves naked, or forbid them to wear an item that they want to wear, like knickers. If they do not achieve this, punish them lightly - make them masturbate for a set period without reaching orgasm - set the time limit so that you know it will be difficult. |
The both of us do not know everything about BDSM as it relates to real life play scenes or relationships. We as most others into leather learn by our positive and negative experiences. We hope you have found some of the information above useful. If your in our area let us know. We welcome leathermen and train in our own dungeon and you may find us playing at our favorite club. We are proud Associate Members of the 15 Association. |
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